On November 7, 2012 I heard those two words every cancer patient wants to hear “cancer free.” so that’s it. Back to life as it was before. I wish it was that simple. Its as if a huge storm just ravaged through your city. You are alive, but injured and left with wreckage. The storm may be over for others but I live with this every day. I am physically scared and drastically changed from the person I was a year ago. I have 8 surgery scars on my torso alone. My chest looks like some sort of alien creature and my hair is the same length as my husbands. None of these are easy to forget overnight. I’m physically starting to feel like myself again. Each day is different but I can tell I’m improving. I put a smile on my face and continue to hold my head high. Emotionally I am just confused. For me the battle is not over. I take a handful of pills every day. I’m in menopause, taking chemo daily, adjusting to a cancer free diet, and still looking at four more surgeries. Then there is the possibility of not having kids… I’m still not ready to talk about that. As you can see, I’m still wearing that armor. Still have my sword held high.
I was blessed to have so much support through out my treatment. I was constantly surrounded by love. When everyone heard those words “cancer free” they rejoiced and went back to their lives. And then it was quiet. The calls and text got fewer and fewer. The visitors stopped and life goes on. I may be offending some people by writing this but I’m being honest here. The storm is over, the wreckage has been laid, and there are just a few of us left to pick up the pieces. If you have an aunt, a mom, a friend who has been in my shoes please continue to fight for them and help them pick up after the storm. It is hard for me to even say I’m in remission. I sometimes think it would be easier to still be in chemo. Never thought I would say that. I’m sure my other chemo girls would agree with me.
This is a pretty heavy post after my last post on my trip to the Ellen Show. Tomorrow I go back to my surgeon for my final fill. I’m dreading it and the pain I will be in tomorrow night. I’m still hurting from my last fill three weeks ago! Fingers crossed everything will be ok. Enjoy the golden globes :)