Its Monday!!! I am a little long winded this morning so hang with me ….
I have been sitting in my bed for the past three hours checking emails and watching big brother after dark. I just can’t bring myself to get out of bed yet. It has been a bit since I have updated the blog about how I have been feeling. Sometimes I think it is easier to just avoid talking about what’s really going on and focus on the humor in the situation instead. In my inbox this morning was an email from a 31 year old mom and recently diagnosed breast cancer survivor. Her name is Rachel and this is HER BLOG if you want to read as well. She has already had a double mastectomy and starts chemo this week. She has the same chemo drugs I have. So reading her blog was especially touching. I read all about her experience with the mastectomy and what was to come for me. As well as her fears about starting chemo. She too is worried about having more children, going into menopause, and just so happy to do the little things like take a walk. At one point she says she is fighting for her life. And she is. That’s the point where I lost it. We are fighting for our lives and so often it is masked by my smiling face or humor about matt lauer. I am trying so hard to be normal but some days the reality of the situation sinks in.
I went to a wedding this weekend and wore my “Amanda” wig. It was nice to get out, get dressed and see my high school friends. For the most part people were so sweet and excited to see me out. Then there were others who would rather avoid eye contact than have to talk to me and possibly about the “C” word. I get that, no one wants to talk about cancer. I don’t either. I think that is why I am so emotional reading Rachel’s blog this morning. She is someone I can relate to and knows what it is like to have this outer body experience. We are still the same person we were before, if anything we are more alive now. More appreciative of those in our lives and every little thing we took for granted before.
As for how I’m feeling… I feel great. My new chemo is drastically different from the first chemo drugs. I do have extreme joint pain but it is more annoying than anything. I tire easily but that’s getting to be pretty normal to me now. I had my blood work done last Thursday. A normal white blood cell count is 4-10. I have been constantly at 3. Thursday I went in and I was at 16! I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought they messed up or I had an infection of some sort. Turns out the new chemo and the three Neupagen shots really boosted my WBC count and hopefully that means no more shots for me in the future! I see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel and it feels good! One more small victory!
Time to get back to work, wipe my tears and make my bed. I got new bedding on Friday and its truly beautiful. I can’t stop looking at it. I went ahead and attached some pics of this weekend and my new bedding. I know all of you are dying to see it.