November. Yikes! That means my surgery is just a matter of days from now. No, I am not ready. I would like to pretend to be tough right now but one look at my face and you would see how afraid I am. I am filled with anxiety. Not from the physical pain of the mastectomy but the emotional pain. My anxiety through the roof. Sleeping is not an option these days and I woke up with a fever today. Is it possible to make yourself sick with worry?
I was lucky to be able to keep my eyelashes throughout chemo. Since then I have lost every last one and my eyebrows aren’t far behind. People always told me “your coloring still looks great!” and I thought of course it does. Why would it change? Well, it changed. My entire skin texture changed. My skin feels like a reptile and my eyes look like they are sunk into my face with black circles around them. My eyeballs are red and constantly look like I have been crying. Those of you who have seen me lately know I am not exaggerating. It is all part of getting well I guess. Thankfully I have some great wigs and fake eyelashes so I can leave the house!
I am also working on growing these sprouts on my head. I look like a little baby chimpanzee. Not a full head of hair at all. Just wild crazy hairs sticking straight up. I can’t go bald in public anymore. I got over being bald but this is borderline crazy person hair. Last night I was wearing a beanie to pick up Derek at the airport. I was sitting in my car with the window down when a lady pulled up beside me and said “sir, sir, excuse me sir? are you moving soon?” I looked at her and realized she was indeed talking to me. I said “no” and rolled my window up. Burst into tears and buried my head in my steering wheel. I was mortified.
Today I meet with my surgeon for my pre-op appointment. Surgery is on Monday at 7 am. I will be at Baptist Hospital for a few days. Hopefully well medicated 🙂